I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
