When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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