No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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