She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
