I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
