in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
