so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
