Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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