I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
