I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
