Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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