his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
