I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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