my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Even my vagina gasped.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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