I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Every concussion has its silver lining
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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