You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize