why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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