The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
