Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
