if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
