I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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