please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
