he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
