On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Couch. On fire.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
