my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
