you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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