You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
