last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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