Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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