do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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