barbara walters just said penis...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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