Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
