I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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