Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Let's get the cat blown out
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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