1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize