I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
