Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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