My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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