I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize