so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
A bitchslap is in order.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
