I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
