I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We need to get me chipped asap
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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