Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
