when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize