My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize