My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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