those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
