i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
