if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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