I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
they need to just BURY HIM!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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