Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
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