false alarm. still invincible.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
