I am in a vortex of obligation.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
