I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
