Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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