So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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