So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
