I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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