Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
